Many articles in the Personal Development topic here at Suite101 deal with how to cheer up when you're blue. The question is often asked how cheering up is even possible when faced with the death of a loved one. When dealing with death, especially the death of a loved one, it can seem disloyal and disrespectful to think of feeling happier as a way of coping with grief.
There is a time for grief and bereavement. Grief and loss are natural companions; grief is how humans deal with death, the closer the loved one, the deeper the grief. To attempt to cheer up before the natural cycle of bereavement is completed may only prolong the process of recovery.
Psychologists generally recommend that people do not attempt to deny the natural feeling of sadness at the death of a loved one. Generally, feelings of deep sadness do not last more than a year, though some research indicates second year sadness is not uncommon.
The Stages of Grief and Mourning
Psychologists recognize that there are natural stages to the grieving process.
The most famous model of these stages results from the work of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross who defined five stages for dealing with death as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. ("Good Grief: Coping After Loss", Lybi Ma, Psychology Today Magazine, May/June 2003.)
Coping with Grief
If you're coping with the death of a loved one, allow yourself to feel the grief and sadness of your loss. Well-meaning friends and relatives may mistakenly attempt to move you past grieving believing that you'll be better off not dwelling on the loss. However, it's important to go through the process, feeling what you feel and allowing yourself to grieve.
Many people, perhaps being uncomfortable with death, will avoid discussing your loss, believing it best to try to take your mind off it. Some friends may actually avoid you altogether because of their own discomfort or uncertainty about how to help you. Since most people work through the stages of grief by talking about their loss and recalling aspects of their relationship with the deceased, it's important to have someone to talk with.
Though feelings of anger and guilt are normal as you reconstruct the history of your relationship with your loved one, there can be a tendency to focus on those events you wish hadn't occurred, such as arguments or regrettable behaviors. Have faith that your loved one's spirit bears no anger or remorse and do your best to celebrate the positives of your relationship.
Recall the laughter, love, and adventure of your relationship, remembering in detail the joy that you shared. It's okay to laugh as you remember funny situations you shared. It's also okay to cry as you recognize those opportunities have ended.
Studies find that those with strong spiritual faith fare best in facing the death of a loved one. Depending on your religious or spiritual affiliation and beliefs, take hope in the near-universal belief that the soul of your loved one is immortal.
When to Cheer Up Following the Death of a Loved One
There will be a time to cheer up; you'll know it when you're ready.
Accept the fact that your loss is not something that you'll get over, but that you'll take with you for the rest of your life. This doesn't mean you'll be sad forever, but that as you move on with your life there will be a place within you that is reserved for happy and sad memories of your loved one.
As one bereavement counselor advised, "You don't get over it, you take it with you."
When it's time to move on with a happier life, Positive Psychology and Happiness will help.
Individuals who are coping with the death of a loved one may want to read Dealing With Grief and the Mourning Process.
Jerry Lopper - IPPA member, business and engineering degrees. Jerry's passion for personal development shows in 5 books, hundreds of articles & ...
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