Relationship Advice for the Perfectionist

Improving Relationships by Overcoming Perfectionism

May 25, 2009
Jerry Lopper

The Perfectionist - Emiliano Spada

Learn why perfectionists have relationship problems and the relationship advice for overcoming perfectionism.

Life in an imperfect world is difficult for the perfectionist. Seeking an illusory perfect life, the perfectionist expects perfection in relationships, goal attainment, career, and every other aspect of life.

Though perfectionism has many positive overtones, according to Jennifer Drapkin ("The Pitfalls of Perfectionism," PsychologyToday.com, September, 2001), "Perfectionists are also at risk for eating disorders, sexual dysfunction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, divorce, and suicide." The perfectionist's issues and disorders make healthy relationships very difficult.

Three Types of Perfectionists

Psychologists Gordon Flett and Paul Hewitt describe three types of perfectionists: those expecting perfection in themselves (self-oriented), those believing others expect them to be perfect (socially-prescribed), and those expecting perfection in others (other-oriented). In each case, the expectations held are unrealistically idealistic.

The self-oriented perfectionist is seldom satisfied with any aspect of performance or appearance. Difficult goals are set as a way of validating self-worth. If achieved, this perfectionist garners little satisfaction, instead moves to the next difficult goal.
The socially-prescribed perfectionist continually seeks self esteem from the outside world. This perfectionist learned early on that love and acceptance depended on achievements, with self-worth hanging on a delicate balance of the approval of others.
Other-oriented perfectionism expects flawless appearance, behavior, and performance from others, holding them to standards impossible to sustain.

Relationship Problems of Perfectionism

In a relationship, the self-oriented perfectionist will set impossible standards for her appearance and behavior, dismissing praise and compliments of the partner and enjoying little satisfaction from achievements. While the self-oriented perfectionist will tolerate flaws in others, she will give herself no lenience for errors and failures.

For the socially-prescribed perfectionist, relationship problems stem from the perfectionist's continual and insatiable appetite for compliments and praise. The relationship suffers when a partner is unable to sustain the level of positive feedback the perfectionist requires.

Relationship issues for the other-oriented perfectionist result from unrealistic expectations the perfectionist has for other people. Setting impossibly high standards for others, the perfectionist sees failure and flaws in every relationship.

Relationship Advice in Overcoming Perfectionism

TV psychologist Dr. Phil offers suggestions for overcoming perfectionism and improving relationships with these questions:

What is driving your need for perfectionism?
What are you afraid people will conclude about you if you aren't perfect?
What do you know about you, that you think everybody would see, if you didn't keep up the facade?

Psychologist Gordon Flett suggests that perfectionists learn to accept the flaws in self and others, observing doing so "is not the pathway to mediocrity; it's the high road to a more loving -- and satisfying -- life."

Psychologist Nick Halpin suggests: "Check your feelings. Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself, 'Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation?'"

Halpin also suggests celebrating mistakes, reinforcing the benefits of learning from one's mistakes while recognizing that others who love you will continue to love you even if you're imperfect.

Relationship Problems

The perfectionist's unrealistic standards for self or others creates difficulties in relationships. Psychologists relationship advice counsels greater tolerance of normal human imperfections.